


One Minute Stories

by Brate



Category: The Magnificent Seven (TV)
Genre: Gen, Humor, Magnificent Seven AU: ATF, Random & Short
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-22
Updated: 2018-01-27
Packaged: 2018-04-05 15:36:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 10,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4185297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Brate/pseuds/Brate
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is where I'll post my collection of one-shots. The majority of these are straight up humor, though a few angsty ones may appear.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Each chapter will be a separate and complete story. I'll update tags as needed when I add on fics.


	2. Batter Up!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ATF Universe. What happens when Vin and Ezra try an extracurricular activity?

Chris Larabee sat in the hospital waiting room with elbows resting on his knees while he tried to massage away his growing headache. "So tell me what happened."

Vin Tanner sat at his side. "I swear Chris, it wasn't m'fault."

"I'm not looking to assign blame," Chris said wearily, "but I'd like to know why my undercover agent is being treated for a concussion."

"Well, Ez and I had this bet, and he lost."

"So, you hit him over the head?"

Vin smirked. "Not exactly. See, if I lost, he would get to pick our evening's activity. He wanted to see the opera," Vin reported with a shudder. "Luckily, I won, so I picked where we would go."

"Where did you go?" Chris swore getting a story out of his friend was harder than pulling teeth... and a lot more painful.

"Ez said a while back how he never got to play sports in school, so I thought I'd take 'im somewhere fun."

"And somewhere that he could get a concussion."

"Well, he woulda been fine if he'd followed the rules."

"Where did you take him?" Chris demanded.

"The batting cage."

"The batting cage?"

"Yep."

"And how did my agent wind up in the hospital? Did you hit him with a bat?"

"Nah, Chris. I'd never do that. I jest..." Vin trailed off as he squirmed in his seat.

"What did you 'just' do?"

"I asked him something."

" _That_ gave him a concussion?"

"Now you're jest bein' a smartass, Larabee."

"I'm trying to get a damned straight answer outta you!" yelled Chris.

"I asked him a question, and when he turned to answer, he got beaned in the head with a ball!" Vin shouted back.

"You're joking."

"No, I'm serious. I distracted 'im and he got hit."

"So, how is this not your fault?"

"You said you weren't out for blame!" accused the sharpshooter.

"I'm just asking a question. You said you weren't to blame for _your_ partner ending up in the hospital with a concussion, after _you_ distracted him, while playing a game, at _your_ request."

"If he'd woulda followed the rules, he wouldn't've got hurt," reminded Vin.

"And what were the rules? Ignore the talkative sniper?"

"No," said Vin, shooting a glare at his friend. "It's posted that ev'ryone has to wear a batting helmet while in the cage."

"Ezra wasn't wearing a protective helmet?" asked Chris, incredulous.

"He refused."

"Why?"

"He said he didn't wanna muss his hair."

At this information, Larabee paused. He looked over at the dismal expression on his friend's face, and quirked an eyebrow. Chris sat there a moment digesting this information before he started chuckling, and then laughed openly. "You're right. It wasn't your fault." 

The two settled back into their chairs to wait for their companion's release.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully I did this right. It's my first "chaptered" fic, and I wasn't confident about my posting abilities.


	3. One Man's Trash

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ATF Universe. Vin and Ezra stop at a garage sale.

Vin Tanner headed his Jeep back to the office. Ezra Standish sat beside him, going over the notes from the meeting they had just attended. Not far down the road, Vin slowed the vehicle before pulling over to the side of the road and parking.

"May I inquire what you are doing, Mr. Tanner?" Ezra asked, seeing nothing of interest.

Vin pointed at the sign by a driveway. "Yard sale."

"Pardon?"

"I'm stopping at the yard sale."

Ezra focused on what Vin was saying and looked. Strewn across the front yard of a house was an immense collection of odd and ends. He saw a baby crib, a treadmill, two lawn mowers, bikes, and multiple tables filled to their capacity with a variety of junk.

Refusing to get out of the car, Ezra watched Vin have a boyishly good time finding trinkets. _One man's trash is another man's treasure_ , he thought, and Vin had hit the jackpot. Now Ezra knew how the sharpshooter had decorated his hodge-podge apartment. 

For ten minutes, Vin continued his journey around the grounds, continually holding up objects he erroneously thought Ezra would be interested in, never losing the big grin on his face. Ezra was certain Vin had gone completely insane. He simply repeated his mantra of, "Oh, my God," and wished he was elsewhere. He hoped no one he knew saw him here. Ezra couldn't live with that mortification.

Nearing the far end of the heap, Vin held up something that drew Ezra's attention. _Why in the world would anyone get rid of that?_ Standish fought against himself. He hated the idea of buying someone else's refuse. But the item Vin was holding aloft drew him out. He could not help himself; he had to get out and take a closer look. 

***

From inside his private office, Chris Larabee heard his two missing agents arrive. He walked out to greet them.

"What took you guys so long?" Chris asked. "I thought you'd be back by two; it's almost four."

Ezra ducked his head, focusing his attention on straightening his desk.

Chris directed his gaze to Vin who shrugged. "We woulda been, but Ez kept makin' me stop at all the roadside sales."


	4. To Each His Own

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ATF Universe. Sequel to previous chapter "One Man's Trash."

"Aww, Ez, can't ya put that thing away?"

Without bothering to look up from his work, Ezra Standish calmly replied, "I believe it rests where I want it."

Buck Wilmington tried again. "I think it would look better at your house."

"I don't imagine it goes with my décor."

Vin Tanner added, "I think it looks good there."

"I didn't ask for _your_ opinion, Vin," Buck snapped.

"Don't matter if'n ya asked fer it," Vin answered. "I gave it."

Ezra's latest garage sale excursion had resulted in a new trinket for his desk: a troll doll. An orange-haired, scrunched face, five-inch troll, which he placed beside his in-box. Buck promptly proclaimed it to be an eyesore and started a campaign to get rid of it.

Ezra, of course, deciding it was a matter of principle—his desk, his choice—refused to move it.

Vin actually thought the toy was ugly as sin, but he loved messing with Buck. Plus, he figured Ezra must have some sort of sentimental attachment to the troll doll, otherwise it _really_ would be creepy.

Wisely, the other members of Team Seven had remained silent, not wanting to get in the middle of the argument. Chris Larabee, their leader, had locked himself in his office and refused to come out.

"Come on, Ez," whined Buck. "It's hurtin' my eyes, it's so damn hideous."

"Then avert them, my friend, for I am not moving it one inch." Ezra glanced over at Wilmington's desk. An object caught his attention: Buck's gaudy seashell-covered picture frame. Their offices located hundreds of miles from the nearest seashore. Not only that, but the seashells glued to the base had been painted in neon pinks, greens, and blues, with rhinestones lining the edges. The picture within was constantly changing due to Buck's revolving string of girlfriends, but the frame was ever-present. "Perhaps we can strike a deal."

Warily, Buck asked, "What kind of deal?"

"I will remove my treasured troll from my desk if you will agree to remove that abhorrent article from yours." Ezra pointed at the frame.

Buck was offended. "My mother gave me that."

"I don't know why we should be punished for your mother's lack of good taste."

Clutching the frame to his chest, Buck pouted, "I'm gonna tell her you said that."

Vin snickered.

"And I'm tellin' her you laughed," Buck added.

JD Dunne started laughing.

"What's so funny?" Buck glared at JD.

"Your mama adores those two." JD motioned to Vin and Ezra, who preened at the comment.

"I'm afraid he's right, brother," chimed in Josiah Sanchez. "In her eyes they can do no wrong. In fact, she's more likely to get mad at you for starting this fight."

"I don't believe you."

"Buck, when was the last time you talked to her?" Nathan Jackson asked, finally giving in and entering the debate.

"I called her last week," Buck stated proudly.

Nathan called, "Ezra?"

"Yesterday."

"Vin?" Nathan raised a brow.

"Day before."

"My mother's been cheating on me with you guys?" Buck asked, aghast.

Ezra nodded. "Delightful woman."

"A saint," Vin agreed.

"I can't believe it… my own mother."

"Don't fret, Bucklin," Vin said, "'Least neither of us asked her to marry us."

"You'd better not," Buck growled.

Ezra played with the hair on his troll doll. "Not after she'd already refused Mr. Larabee."

"What?!"


	5. Another Day, Another Mishap

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ATF universe. Vin and Ezra run into some trouble. [Set after the events in my story "Days Like This."]

"Wilmington."

"Ah, yes, Mr. Wilmington, may I have a word with you?"

"Where ya been, Ez? Chris is spittin' nails waitin' on you two."

"That's what this call is about. I'm afraid we are going to be a bit tardy this morning."

"Vin drove this morning, right? Don't tell me... you guys had car trouble."

"In a manner of speaking you are correct. I... ahem... lost Vin."

" _You what?!?_ " Buck's shout brought the attention of the other men already in the office.

"Please keep your voice down. There's no reason to panic; everything is under control."

"Vin's gone and everything is under control?" 

Chris heard this and hurried over to his agent's desk. 

"Where are you?" Buck asked, before the phone was snatched away by his leader.

"I am currently at the Sixteenth Precinct."

"What the hell is going on?" 

"Well, good morning, Mr. Larabee."

"Don't give me that crap, Ezra, what happened to Vin?"

"He was taken hostage."

"What?!"

Ezra sighed. He wondered if there was an opening at that Starbucks he liked to frequent each morning. Anything would be better than this, although their wages and uniforms were deplorable. "Mr. Larabee, if you would calm down I will tell you exactly what happened."

Chris punched the button initiating the speakerphone. "Go ahead, Ezra. We're all listening." The rest of the team joined their boss. 

"Mr. Tanner and I had stopped at the Delco Gas Station on Lincoln to secure some fuel for his vehicle. It seems that at the time we drove up, the station was being robbed."

"Did they shoot at you?" piped up JD.

"No, we were unaware of the disturbance at that time. Vin was getting ready to pump the gas when the two criminals ran out of the station entrance. Apparently they had left their getaway car running with the keys in it."

"So?" Larabee was becoming impatient.

"So someone stole their getaway car."

"What?"

"They required other transportation and saw us. We were held at gunpoint, and Mr. Tanner was chosen to be the new getaway driver."

Five voices chorused, "What?"

Ezra sighed again. He was getting very tired of that word. "Denver PD has an APB out on his vehicle and units searching."

"We're heading out, too," reported Larabee. He saw his men grab their jackets and keys; he hung up the phone and followed his team into the elevator. Once inside and descending, the leader started to call out orders. "Josiah, you and Nathan take the east end of town down by Regent. Buck and JD, take the south starting on Davis. I'll start to the west. Hopefully we can find some sign of him." The agents nodded their understanding, and when the elevator stopped, they headed toward their vehicles.

"Uh... Chris."

Larabee stopped at the side of his Ram and looked over. "What is it, Buck?" he asked, clearly anxious to be on his way.

Buck pointed in the direction of the street. Chris looked out in time to see his best friend, the team's sharpshooter, and currently a bad guy's hostage drive past the federal building. Two men were clearly visible in the Jeep with him.

"What the...?"

"What's going on?"

In open-mouthed astonishment, the five men walked out of the garage, onto the sidewalk at the side of their building. They watched the traffic hoping to spot the departing Jeep.

"Here he comes again," called out Nathan.

Sure enough, Vin's vehicle was heading down the street toward the small group of men. To their continued amazement, the Jeep's turn signal kicked on, indicating the driver's intention to pull over. Vin pulled up alongside the team, exchanging a quick look with Chris. Larabee nodded and before the man in the front passenger seat could say a word, Chris had his Magnum stuck in the passenger's face, with four more weapons drawn and covering the man in back.

 

~OO~OO~OO~OO~

 

"I still can't believe you pulled that stunt!" yelled Larabee. 

"Hell, I tried to get 'em to take Ezra. I figured he'd talk 'em into surrendering... or shooting themselves."

"Very funny, Mr. Tanner." Standish scowled. 

"How did you get them over here?" Josiah asked.

"They got lost."

"What?"

Vin exchanged a look of aggravated patience with Ezra. _Geez, they_ do _ask that question a lot!_ "You met 'em. The only danger I was in with them idiots was laughing m'self to death."

Larabee's frown showed he was not amused.

"Shit, Cowboy. They let their getaway car get stolen, had no idea how to get back to their 'hideout,' and five'll getcha ten, them guns weren't even loaded."

"So you...?"

"I drove 'em around to our buildin' and convinced 'em to stop and ask you guys for directions."

Everyone's mouth dropped. Chris threw his hands up in surrender. "That's it." He pointed at Tanner and Standish. "You two aren't allowed to carpool anymore!"


	6. On the Road Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A trip in a car can seem like forever. [A drabble.]

"Stop playing with the radio."

Sigh. "I'm bored."

"God help me," was muttered.

"Seriously."

"Read a book."

"I'll get carsick." 

"Play the license plate game."

An arched eyebrow. "I'm not a child."

"Could've fooled me."

Grunt. "What's that book you were reading earlier?"

"Waterloo."

"What's it about?"

"Napoleon."

"The ice cream?" 

"That's Neapolitan."

"I thought was the little guy who talked funny."

"That was Truman Capote."

Snort. "How much longer?"

"Another hour." 

"I'm still bored."

"Count cows."

"I'm not sleepy."

"I said cows, not sheep."

Groan.

Josiah reined in his temper. Next time they went somewhere, Chris was driving alone…


	7. Behind the Scenes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is a practical joke blitz on our favorite ladies' man.

I still can't believe it. I just can't believe that Chris "destruction of government property is a felony" Larabee had the balls—er, gumption—to superglue all of Buck's stuff to his desk: pens, stapler, bottle of Wite-Out, in box, and phone. He even glued the receiver down onto the phone's base; it rang all day long and Wilmington couldn't answer it. Drove 'im nuts!

Later we had to check our equipment for next week's mission. Unfortunately, some person had coated grease all over the inside of Buck's bulletproof vest. When he tried it on, he got black shit—er, stuff—on his nice clean shirt. And, for some reason, all his extra shirts were missing so he had to wear the filthy one for the rest of the day. That Josiah's a "slick" one all right.

Buck decided to bear with it and get down to work, pointedly ignoring the rest of the team. But when he went to print out his reports, he found his job had been rerouted to random laser printers throughout the entire federal building. He spent the better part of two hours tracking all them pages down. Luckily he didn't print any of that porn—er, e-mail—he likes to read so much. Now you'd think JD was behind this prank, wouldn't ya? Nah, this one belonged to none other than Ezra P. Standish himself.

Finally at five, Buck must've thought his horrible day was over because it was time for everyone to go home. Not so fast, Bucklin. A certain Agent Jackson had rewired the windshield wipers on Buck's truck, directly connected through a bypass switch making them turn on as soon as the engine started. I'm sure that trip home was a hoot and a half.

Late that night Buck was ready to go to sleep. Too bad for him, his best friend hadn't had a crack yet. Under Buck's covers, JD had stretched an electrical extension cord across the lower part of the ladies' man's bed. Before putting it under, the kid stripped the insulation of the cord, leaving it exposed. Once Buck got into bed and his feet touched the live wire… whoo wee! This wasn't enough, though. JD set up a video camera on the fire escape outside his roommate's window, so Bucklin's five-foot leap and "girly" scream were recorded for future viewings.

I'm tellin' you, the preparations were time-consuming. During the week leadin' up to it, I had to make each and ev'ry one of them think the pranks were their own idea. And when asked if I had any suggestions, I just happened to have one to give each of 'em.

All in all, it was a very productive April Fool's Day for me. Wonder who should be next year's target?


	8. Gravity Sucks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chris investigates a peculiar noise.

Chris Larabee pressed his ear against the conference room door.

Plunk.

"Shit."

Plunk. Plunk.

"Shit."

Plunk.

"Goddammit."

Chris tried the door, but it was locked. Knocking, he called, "Tanner, what are you doing in there?"

"Nothin'." Plunk. "Fuck."

"Don't give me that. I haven't heard that much swearing since Buck posted your picture to the online dating service."

"I'm just tryin' somethin' new."

"I hate to break it to you, but swearing isn't new. Believe me."

"Thanks, cowboy, but swearing is just a side effect."

"Of what?"

"Nothin'," Vin repeated. Plunk. Plunk.

"Open this door right now."

Chris heard a whispered curse before the door swung open. His eyes took in the scene. Before him stood his team's sharpshooter—a sheepish expression was on his face and his hands were behind his back. Nothing else in the room looked disturbed. "What the hell is going on in here?"

Vin shrugged.

"What are you hiding behind your back?"

"Nothin'."

Larabee held out his hand. "Give." 

Vin sent him a pleading look that he ignored. 

"Now."

With a sigh of resignation, Vin brought his hands from behind his back and gave Chris what he had been hiding.

Confused, Larabee looked at the three items in his hand. "What are these?"

"Bean bags," Vin answered.

"Bean bags," Chris restated. "Why do you have bean bags?"

"I'm learnin' how to juggle."

"Why?"

"It's good for hand/eye coordination," Vin said offhandedly.

"Uh-huh. What's the real reason?"

"Bucklin bet Ez 'n me that we couldn't out-juggle 'im."

"And you took the bet."

Vin nodded.

"Even though you couldn't juggle."

Vin nodded again.

"Carry on." Larabee sighed, handing the bags back to Vin. He closed the door behind him and walked down the hall toward the main office. "As if this place wasn't enough of a circus," he mumbled to himself. Passing the break room, Chris noticed the door was closed. He leaned against it.

Plunk.

"Shit," Ezra said.

 

_To juggle is to find the most difficult way to do the unnecessary._


	9. The Longest Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ATF Universe. Giving up chocolate for Lent. Enough said.

"Get that away from me!"

Larabee heard the yelling again. Normally he would ignore his men's outbursts, tension had been high since the last mission, but this was the third one in twenty minutes. He opened the door to his office, leaned against the frame, and bellowed at Vin Tanner, "What's your problem?"

Vin started at the shout and looked over at his boss. "Nothin'." His gaze returned to his computer screen and frowned at what he saw.

Chris walked over and sat on Tanner's desk. He glanced around and saw the other men going out of their way to avoid Vin's presence. There was something going on and he aimed to find out why his easygoing, laconic friend was acting like a bear with a toothache. Maybe that was it—Tanner had another toothache, and with his dread of dentists, it could've been bad for a while, sending him over the edge.

"Do I need Josiah to make a call?"

Vin's eyes remained fixed on the screen before him. "I don't know, do ya?"

"I mean should he call the dentist?"

"Do ya need to go?"

Chris swallowed his frustration. "Not for me...for you."

"Me?" Vin's lifted his gaze from the computer and gave him a confused look. "Why?"

"I thought your teeth were hurting."

Tanner shook his head. "No."

"Then what have you been yelling about all day?"

Sighing, Vin said, "I gave up chocolate for Lent."

That was the last thing Larabee expected to hear. "Why? You never do that sort of thing."

"Ezra and me were talkin'."

"And?"

"He bet me I couldn't."

"That would do it." That would also explain Vin's demeanor. Tanner had a sweet tooth, and if it wasn't satisfied, there would be hell to pay. 

Before Chris could ask again, JD Dunne passed by, eating a Hershey's bar and making "yummy" noises.

"Is JD in on the bet?"

"No, he's just enjoying my torment." Vin scowled at the departing agent. "Been pulling that shit all day."

"That's what you've been shouting about?"

"He keeps flaunting 'em. So far he's eaten a Cadbury crème egg, a bag of M & M's, and now that chocolate bar."

Chris tried to keep from laughing and failed.

"It ain't funny."

"Sure it is. You and Buck are always giving the kid a hard time, he's just playing catch-up." He watched Tanner's head swing back around to his PC. "So...how's it going?"

"It sucks," Vin admitted. He turned his computer screen around so Larabee could see it. 

" _Chocoholics Anonymous_?"

"I can't do it, Chris. All I ever think about anymore is chocolate." He opened the drawer of his desk, displaying its stockpile of treats: Twinkies, lollipops, candy hearts, Payday bars, gum, and numerous other non-chocolate treats.

"Holy shit, Vin. You are going to need to see the dentist if you keep this up."

"I been tryin' everything, but it's not the same. I ain't satisfied with any of these...I _need_ chocolate."

"You need professional help," Chris shot back. "Lent only started four days ago, Vin."

"Are ya sure?" Vin checked his calendar to find his boss was correct. "Damn. I can't lose this bet, Cowboy."

"What did you bet?"

"I ain't sayin'."

"It can't be that bad."

"I ain't sayin'," Vin repeated.

JD strolled by eating a piece of chocolate cake.

"I'm gonna have ta kill JD." Vin stood up.

Chris patted his friend's arm. "Just don't get caught."


	10. Free at Last

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lent is finally over for our favorite sharpshooter.

_  
Chocolate._

_Sweet chocolate._

_Luscious, dark, rich chocolate._

_Some people say they don't like chocolate. I don't get that. Until I gave it up for Lent I never realized how many things had chocolate in them: shakes, sundaes, cookies, candy bars, ice cream, donuts, cake…and the obvious—chocolate milk and hot cocoa._

_But I have it back—and I ain't ever lettin' it go again!_

__~~~***~~~***~~~

"Where's Vin?" Buck looked over at the desk where the sharpshooter should be stationed. "I mean _Ez_ is here for God's sake."

Standish ignored the obvious gibe at his frequently late arrivals. "I believe Mr. Tanner called in today."

"He sick?" JD lifted his head in question.

"Possibly." Ezra chuckled for some reason.

Nathan joined the conversation. "You don't know?"

"Apparently, he called Mr. Larabee at his ranch on Saturday and requested today off."

"What for?"

"I'm assuming it has something to do with yesterday."

"Easter?"

"Yes."

"Oh, shit! Easter!" JD slapped his head in comprehension.

"Exactly." Ezra smiled.

"Care to share the revelation?" Josiah asked.

"Vin gets to eat chocolate again."

"Oh," three voices chorused.

"That explains it. He probably took today off just in case he got sick from eating too much yesterday."

"Should we call him and see how he is?" The agents grinned at Buck's suggestion.

"Leave 'im be." The five men jumped at the growled command. No one had heard Chris come into the bullpen. "I'm sure he's trying to recover after his binge."

"I can just imagine the scene," Josiah ruminated. "I wonder if our brother even got off the bed or just spread his treats around himself?"

"I'm surprised he hasn't called us over to bring him some more candy." Buck smiled.

"Maybe he's in a diabetic coma," added Nathan.

"Gentlemen, we have work that is not getting done. You can make fun of Vin tomorrow when he gets back." Larabee spoke with authority before retreating to his office.

"So," JD said as he strolled over to sit on the edge of Ezra's desk, "Vin won the bet?" 

"He did indeed."

"When do you drop it off?"

"I will be driving there tonight after work where will perform the switch."

"You're really gonna do it?"

"I have no choice, Mr. Dunne. I made a wager."

~~~***~~~***~~~

Standish pulled up in front of Vin's apartment building and shut off his engine. Getting out of his Jaguar, he locked the doors, and gently ran his hand along her hood in appreciation. Sighing, he walked up the stairs to Vin's apartment and knocked on the door. At the shouted, "Come in," he opened the door and scowled at the mess. Wading through the living room toward the kitchen where he heard his friend, Ezra tried to keep from stepping on the wrappers of various chocolate treats that were strewn all over the floor. "Mr. Tanner, can't you at least attempt to clean up your dwelling?"

Vin was sitting at the table, polishing off the last piece of an enormous chocolate cake with inch-high frosting. "Too much trouble. It'd take away from my eatin'."

Ezra merely shook his head.

"Why so glum, chum?" Vin asked, around a mouthful of cake.

"I can't believe I lost," admitted Ezra. "I didn't think you had it in you."

Tanner swallowed, and took a large gulp of chocolate milk to wash the confection down. "I don't. The only thing that kept me going was the image of my Jeep in the car crusher if you won."

"I still think you should consider it; that car is an eyesore."

"Well, for the next forty days, it's your eyesore." Vin smirked as he tossed Standish his car keys.

"I thought we said a month," Ezra wheedled.

"Nope. One day for every day I had no chocolate." He put his hand out and wiggled it around. "Come on. Where's the keys to my new car?"

"It is merely a loan, and I expect it back in perfect condition at the end of this ridiculous affair."

"Yep, uh-huh. Hand 'em over." Blue eyes crinkled in mirth as a reluctant Ezra carefully placed his car keys in Vin's outstretched hand. "I can't wait ta take this baby for a spin." His grin became wider at the Standish's wince. Becoming serious, Vin spoke softly, "Ez, you should never shoulda threatened my ride."

"I shall remember that for the future, Mr. Tanner." Ezra glanced at the Jeep keys in his hand. "Believe me, I will not forget this."


	11. Shucks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ATF Universe. Now Chris gives up something for Lent.

9:25 AM

"Fart knocker!"

Everyone turned to look at Chris Larabee's open office door. 

"What's up with Chris?" JD Dunne asked.

"Our brother," Josiah Sanchez said with a knowing smile, "decided to give up swearing for Lent."

"You're shitting me!" bawled Buck Wilmington.

"I shit you not," answered Sanchez serenely.

They stopped talking at another "curse" from Chris' office. "Gosh darn it!"

"Oh, this is too much!" Buck put his hands over his ears. "I don't think I can take much more of this."

"I think it's neat," JD argued. "You are, after all, supposed to give up something for Lent that you really like. Make a sacrifice. And Chris does enjoy… venting."

"If by 'venting' you mean swearing like a sailor, then, yes, Mr. Larabee enjoys venting," Ezra Standish agreed, joining the conversation.

"Maybe too much," Nathan Jackson added.

"What do you mean?" Josiah asked.

Nathan jerked his head back to where his boss was hard at work. "How long do you think he can hold out?"

"There's no way he can last _one_ day," Buck stated, "let alone forty."

"Sounds like a bet to me," JD said.

Ezra perked up. "Did I hear the word 'bet'?"

"I believe that word was spoken." Josiah smiled at the gleam in Standish's eyes.

"I bet I can be the one to break him," said Buck. He was sure he'd know what buttons to push, having known Chris the longest.

As usual, Ezra brought up the important element. "How much?"

"I'm in for fifty."

"I'll take that action."

"Me, too."

After everyone's money was collected, Standish placed it into an envelope and stuck it in his desk drawer. "What are the rules?"

Buck rubbed his hands gleefully. "Anything goes."

"Anything?" JD asked.

"Within legal boundaries," Nathan put in.

"That still leaves the field pretty open," commented Josiah.

"More fun to be had." 

"Good thing Junior's not here," Buck said. "He'd be sure to win. That boy could always rile him faster than a boil." Vin Tanner, the team's sharpshooter and Chris Larabee's best friend, was in the hospital recovering from a leg wound, and wouldn't be released for two more days.

"So who goes first?" 

The men looked around at each other.

"Let's draw straws," JD offered.

Wilmington slapped him on the back of his head. "Who the hell has straws?"

"Ezra," Nathan ordered, "give us your cards."

The undercover agent plucked the cards from his inside pocket and spread them out. "High card has the first shot at being the cause of our illustrious leader's spiritual downfall."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

9:45 AM

JD stood in front of Chris' desk. "… and so I crashed the ATF's computer system while I was trying to fix the glitch."

"Jiminy Christmas, JD. You're the computer expert," Chris stated matter-of-factly. "Can't you fix it?"

"Uh, sure, Chris. I, um, just, uh, wanted to let you know in case you… you know, got a phone call or something."

"Thanks for your concern, JD. Now go and fix the problem."

Dunne scooted out of the office, proverbial tail between his legs.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

10:15 AM

Jackson stood before his boss and explained he had forgotten to take a class and therefore lost his medic certification.

"Jeez Louise, Nathan, I'm surprised you would let something like that happen." Chris folded his hands together on his desk and stared at his forensics expert. "You're always on top of that kind of stuff."

"Yeah, well, I thought I had more time and then I found out I didn't."

"I'll call Travis and schedule a special training for you." Chris shook his head and returned to his paperwork, effectively dismissing the dark-skinned man. "I'm disappointed; we depend on you." 

Jackson left the office with his head hung low.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

12:30 PM

"Well, boys, kiss your money goodbye." Buck stood and started toward the back office.

"What makes you think _you'll_ get him to swear?" JD asked.

"I set the old war dog up on a blind double date with yours truly." 

"Buck, he hates it when you do that!"

"Yeah." He smirked over his shoulder. "I know." Buck disappeared into Chris' office only to reappear seconds later.

"What happened?" Nathan asked as the ladies' man scurried past his desk.

"He told me no thanks."

"That's it?" Josiah was surprised.

"No." Buck slumped down at his desk, face etched with defeat. "He suggested I take Ezra on the date."

Standish smiled widely, at Buck's failure as well as Chris' flattering remark. "At least Mr. Larabee shows good taste."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1:15 PM

Josiah regretfully stated, "I hate to put this on you at the last minute, but I've decided that I have to quit. I'll be going on a religious pilgrimage, seeking to find divine insight." 

"Holy moly." Chris stood up and stretched his hand out. "We hate to lose you, Josiah, but far be it from me to get between a man and his beliefs. Will you be leaving immediately?"

Sanchez shook the offered hand, taken aback at the seemingly effortless dismissal. "Huh?"

"I was hoping you could help interview a selection of replacements before leaving. Give us your expert opinion of their aptitude?"

"Of course." Josiah backed out of the office, depressed at his failure to win the bet and now worried about his standing on the team.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

3:00 PM

Ezra went strolling into his leader's office, certain the money would be in his pocket momentarily. In his hand he held his monthly expense report. He had itemized the list which included some extra things: an Armani suit, patent leather shoes, and a manicure due to an "incident" during the last mission. Larabee had never failed to argue—quite vehemently—over his claimed expenses. 

The undercover agent announced himself and his reason for entering.

"All right," Chris said, not bothering to look up from his paperwork, "leave it on the desk."

"D-don't you want to go over it?" Ezra sputtered.

"No, not right now. I'll take it home tonight and look over it."

"But I thought—"

"Ezra, I'm trying to get some work done here. Was there something in particular you wanted?"

"Not at all, Mr. Larabee. I just wanted to give you a chance to look at what I've put down."

"I'm sure everything's fine, Ez. Get out."

Standish exited quickly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

4:30 PM

There were several thumps coming from the outer office. The agents raised their heads at the sound and exchanged puzzled glances. With a bang on the glass doors, Vin Tanner hobbled into the office on crutches, barely managing not to fall. 

Before any of them could express their confusion, he staggered past the desks and collapsed onto the middle of the floor with a loud groan. 

Rushing out at the noise, Larabee saw his best friend lying in the middle of the room, face down. "Goddammit, Vin. What in the hell do you think you're doing out of the hospital?"

Vin pushed himself up on his hands and glanced back at the team. "Winnin' two hundred bucks," he said with a smirk. 

Buck shoved JD. "You told him!" he accused.

"You said anything goes." JD shrugged. "I figured I wasn't going to win and I knew Vin'd split the pot with me. You had all failed already, anyway." He helped Vin into a chair and they exchanged a high five after Dunne reached over and snatched the money-filled envelope from Ezra's desk drawer.

Ezra, caught somewhere between admiration and condemnation, allowed the trespass. "That was downright deceitful," he mumbled.

Josiah was still preoccupied with Chris' inexplicable reaction to his false resignation. "I actually quit to win the damn thing!" 

"And I have to take a useless class," Nathan complained.

Buck looked furious. "I never thought you'd stoop so low, JD."

"You're just mad 'cause you lost the bet, Bucklin," Vin defended.

The bickering continued until two words were spoken in a low and dangerous voice. "What bet?"


	12. And the Twain Shall Meet...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ATF Universe. Ezra lends Vin a book.

"Thanks for the loan, Ez," said Vin, placing two books on his partner's desk.

"My pleasure, Mr. Tanner," Ezra replied, tucking both books into his briefcase beside the desk. "You enjoyed them I hope?"

"I did, they was good reads. I 'preciate you lendin' them to me, sorry it took me so long to get 'em back to you."

"There was no inconvenience," Ezra assured. "I am always pleased to share great literature, my friend."

"So why'd you offer 'em?"

"Beg pardon?"

"You didn't offer 'em t0 anyone else, didja?"

"No."

Vin looked over his desk at his friend, capturing his attention. "So, why me?"

"I thought you'd take some amount of pleasure in them."

"Why?" Vin asked, again.

"I'm not sure what you are asking of me, Mr. Tanner."

"I am speakin' English, ain't I?"

"In a very crude manner, yes."

"Then you should be able to figure it out." And with that, Vin settled down in his chair, and started doing some paperwork. Both men remained silent, and each could feel the tension.

Ezra looked at the bent head, and sighed heavily. After a quick look about the office making sure no one else was listening, he broke the silence. "If you must know," he began softly, "you tend to remind me of Huckleberry Finn."

Vin glanced up, smiling at his partner. "I do, huh?"

"Yes. Both you and Mr. Finn are wild and free, completely unpredictable, and will go to any lengths to protect a friend."

Vin chuckled. "Actually, I find that kinda funny, Ez."

Standish stiffened. "And why is that, Mr. Tanner?" 

"'Cause you remind me of Tom Sawyer."

"Do I indeed?"

"Yep. Someone who loves an adventure, ain't afraid of anythin', and can talk a snake outta his skin."

Ezra leaned back in his chair, smirking. "Well, Vin. I believe we have both learned a valuable lesson."

"Which is?"

"For two loners, we certainly seem to enjoy our amity."

The two men smiled at each other as their leader made his way to their desks. "Ezra, I need you to escort this prisoner to Lanley," Chris said handing a file to Standish.

Ezra took the file, disdain openly displayed across his face, which quickly turned into a sly smile. "I believe Mr. Tanner would be more than happy to take over this assignment. A chance to get out of the office and into the great outdoors which he loves so much."

Vin shook his head. "Forget it! I ain't whitewashin' no fences for you, Ez."

Chris glanced back and forth at his men, confused when Ezra merely smiled, gave a two-fingered salute, and left without argument. "I will never understand the two of you," he said to his remaining agent.

"Don't need to, cowboy. Just enjoy the ride," Vin drawled.


	13. Between an Egg and a Hard Place

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Easter, ATF style!

"Sorry, pard, but you promised."

"I did not!"

"We all heard you." 

Five heads nodded in agreement.

"It's not fair!"

"We all have to go."

"But not like this."

"That's true, 'cause we didn't promise...you did."

"She done tricked me!"

"How can you say that? We were all at the Saloon, she asked you over for a special Easter dinner, and you said yes."

"But--"

"Then she asked if you'd wear a particular outfit for the party, and you said yes again."

"But--"

"Then she made you promise to wear the 'special' outfit."

"She was running her fingers through my hair, I got...distracted."

"Well, pard. I'm always tellin' you, it don't pay to get 'distracted' around females."

"But this!?!"

"You look great!" Buck stepped back surveying his friend's apparel. "'Course the Easter Bunny usually ain't glaring so much. You're gonna scare the kids if you don't knock that off."

"Tough." Chris twisted the bright pink ear so it didn't flop over his face, and ignored the chuckles of his soon-to-be-dead agents.

"Stop messing with it; you look perfect." Pause. "I don't think that's an appropriate gesture for the Easter Bunny to be making."

The only reason Chris was going through with this was knowing the neighborhood children, including Billy, would be crushed unless their Bunny appeared. And he promised.

"That's it—show's over," Larabee announced to his men as he "flopped" over to the truck, determined to get through this with some semblance of dignity.

"No," said Vin quietly, bringing out his hidden camcorder. "I think it's just beginning."


	14. It's That Time of Year

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ATF Universe. Anytime is a good time for Christmas music.

"Vin?"

"Yep."

"You're listening to Christmas music."

"Yep."

"Why?"

"Want to."

"It'll be Halloween in two weeks."

"Yep."

"Don't you think it's a bit early?"

"Nope."

"Okay, then."

~~~~~~~~

"Brother Vin?"

"Yep."

"You're listening to Christmas music."

"Yep."

"You know you're two months early."

"Yep."

"May I ask why you are listening to it?"

"Want to."

"All right."

~~~~~~~~

"Hey, Vin?"

"Yep."

"You're listening to Christmas music."

"Yep."

"Little early, ain't it?"

"Nope."

"Ain't even Halloween yet."

"Yep."

"So, why are you?"

"Want to."

"Oh, okay."

~~~~~~~~

Ezra Standish, tired of hearing the same conversation, decided to forestall two more just like it. Taking a deep breath, he stood and moved to the middle of the office. He loudly announced, "I just want to inform whoever else may inquire that, yes, Mr. Tanner is indeed listening to Christmas music in October because he wants to. Thank you."

"You okay, Ez?" Vin asked when Standish sat back down.

"I'm fine; I did not relish more of that inane conversation, that's all." 

Vin nodded, and went back to humming along with his portable CD player. 

Ezra watched for a few minutes until he couldn't contain his curiosity anymore. "Mr. Tanner, what's the real reason you are listening to this music?"

Vin looked up, cocking his head to the side as if gauging how much he should say. As though Ezra had passed an unknown test, he stated, "It makes me feel good when I'm depressed."

"Why?" Ezra asked gently.

"Growing up, around Christmastime I didn't always have a place to stay, or people to spend it with. I used to walk 'round town and see all them happy people. It's just a magical time... long as you stay outta them malls, that is." Tanner grinned. "Those people are vicious."

"And now?"

"Now, I got y'all. Reminds me I ain't alone no more."

"If you wouldn't mind, could you please turn up the volume, Vin?"


	15. Up the A--

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ATF Universe. The team's first Thanksgiving together.

It was their first Thanksgiving together as a team, Chris Larabee was determined to make it memorable. He was in charge of the turkey, Josiah was busy with the cranberry sauce, and Nathan was making his mother's sweet potato pie. 

Vin Tanner never recalled having a traditional Thanksgiving dinner, so everything was new to him. He was intrigued with the goings on and kept close watch. "Whatcha doin', Chris?"

"Getting the turkey ready."

"You have your hand up its ass."

Josiah snorted and Nathan gave a short bark of laughter, but when Chris looked over, their expressions were blank. Turning back to Vin, Chris said mildly, "I have to remove the giblets."

"What are giblets?"

Chris raised an eyebrow. "Seriously?"

Vin looked back innocently. Real innocence, too, not the fake look he often tried to pull off. 

"Well, it's the heart, liver, and gizzard of the bird," Chris explained.

Now Vin's ingenuous look turned to revulsion. "Why'd they leave it in there? Can't they take it out before they wrap it up?"

"They could, but some people like them."

"For what?"

"To eat."

"That's disgusting!"

"No more so than your peanut butter and onion sandwiches," Josiah chimed in. 

"That's not disgusting," Vin defended, "it's just an acquired taste."

"So is this."

"I ain't acquirin' that taste, no way, no how."

"We're not gonna make you eat it, Vin. I'll cook it for the dog."

"Okay, then." Vin nodded, satisfied. He watched in silence for another beat. "Now why are you stickin' your hand up its ass?"

"I have to stuff it."

"With what?"

"Stufffing."

"You're stuffin' it with stuffing?"

Chris sighed, frustrated. "Yes." He ignored Nathan and Josiah chuckling behind him. 

"You're planning on eating the stuffing?"

"That's the plan, yes."

"You are going to eat something that comes outta a bird's ass."

"Vin."

"No, I'm serious, this is okay with you? This is what you do every year?"

"Yes."

"You eat something that comes out of a turkey's ass?"

"Vin, I swear, if you say 'ass' one more time, I'll shove _you_ in this turkey."

"Fine. Okay. Touchy." Vin backed away, hands held up. "Hey, Ez," he called when he got to the doorway, "you won't believe what Chris is doin' to the turkey's butt!"

"That's it!" Chris took off after Vin, who was already on the run. 

"Is this going to be our Thanksgiving tradition?" Nathan asked, watching the chase.

"God, I hope so," Josiah answered. "Much more exciting than the Macy's Parade."


	16. Thank You for this Turkey (Day)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ATF Universe. Thanksgiving with the Seven.

Chris Larabee opened the door to four stunned expressions. "What do you guys want?"

"Chris, you're home!" JD exclaimed.

"Yes, I live here. What are you all doing here?"

"Now is that any way to greet your friends?" Buck grinned. "We just stopped by to make sure you had a good Thanksgiving."

"And yet you seem surprised that I am home."

"We just kinda thought you'd be with Mary."

"She and Billy are at the Judge's."

Silence met his proclamation, and Larabee was unimpressed by the dancing around his men were doing. He'd seen Buck hide his ranch house key away when he opened the door, so he knew they'd been planning on crashing his house while he was gone; the beer and chips were a dead giveaway, not to mention their guilty looks. He knew Nathan was out with Rain and Josiah was serving dinner at the shelter, but these guys had all had had plans as well. "Thought you'd be at Nettie's," he told Vin.

JD answered, "She took Casey to her sister's." 

Vin nodded. 

"And you?" Chris asked the unpredictably quiet Ezra. 

"My dear mother is currently in the Riviera and unable to spend the holidays with me."

Buck said, "I offered to show Inez the real meaning of Thanksgiving, but she politely declined."

JD laughed. "You mean she dumped a plateful of frijoles on your head."

"I said what I meant, Kid."

Chris looked at the expectant faces of his men. "Okay, you can stay, but I want you guys to promise... no trouble this year."

"Chill out, Cowboy," Vin softly stated. "Don't get yer panties in a bunch, we'll be good."

They pushed past their boss and took their munchies into the kitchen. Chris followed, watching them unpack bags of chips and pretzels and a couple cases of beer, which they stuck in the fridge after grabbing some to start off with. Buck took out hot dogs and buns from a small paper bag. Chris leaned over and read the package. "Turkey dogs?" 

"Hey, Pard, it's Thanksgiving. We _have_ to have turkey," Buck said matter-of-factly. "JD, why don't you start the grill while I surf for a game." JD did as suggested. Ezra followed after Buck, trying to convince him that watching a game of rugby instead of the usual football would be much more enjoyable.

Vin smiled after the departing men then turned back to look at Chris, worry invading his expression. "So, are you sorry we're here?"

"No, I guess holidays are best spent with family." 

Vin grinned. "C'mon, let's help 'em find a decent game."

*****

Each man settled down around Chris' television, as they flicked between three games, taking bets on the outcome of each.

JD ran between the games and the grill, making sure the dogs were cooked to perfection. On one of his trips through the kitchen, he noticed the small plastic bag the buns had come in. Not bothering to hide a wicked smile, he snagged it up, and blew into the bag inflating it. Then he slowly crept into the living room.

Out of the corner of his eye, Vin saw JD sneaking up behind Buck on the couch. Buck was focused on the football game, and unaware of his roommate's entrance. Vin glanced at Chris, who nodded slightly, letting him know that he, too, saw the troublemaker.

Creeping silently, JD came behind the couch and crushed the bag over Buck's head. Squawking in surprise, Buck's beer flew out of his hand, landed on Ezra, drenching his jacket. 

"Goddammit, JD!" 

Ezra wrinkled his nose, and tried to sponge off his clothes with some napkins. "Mr. Wilmington, please control your bodily spasms." 

"You're dead, twerp," Buck snarled as he set off in pursuit of his young friend. JD led the chase through Chris' house.

Larabee just shook his head in amusement, got the dogs off the grill, and then walked into the kitchen. 

Vin followed and watched his friend get the condiments together for their "meal." He noticed that Chris had smiled slightly at his men's antics, but gotten quickly serious again. Had to be this time of year. Knowing what he was missing during the holidays, no longer having his wife and son. 

There was just one thing Vin could do. He went over to the counter, taking something from the utensil drawer before sliding sideways to the sink. Prepared, Vin turned around to address his friend.

"Ya know, you really ought to lighten up."

Chris turned around to see a water-filled turkey baster pointed directly at him. "Put it down, Vin." He saw this friend glance at the side door, gauging his escape. "Don't even think about it, Tanner, you won't make it."

"You're prob'ly right." The hand holding the "weapon" started to lower and Chris relaxed his stance. "But I gotta try," Vin shouted as he squeezed the baster, coating Chris in water, and dashed for the door.

Larabee's scream of outrage and astonishment caught the attention of everyone else in the ranch house, ending Buck's pursuit of JD. 

"What's going on?" Buck asked as he sidled up next to Ezra who was watching something outside of the big bay window.

"It appears Mr. Tanner has angered our superior, and Mr. Larabee is seeking retribution." Ezra nodded at the scene before him. Chris was chasing Vin around the ranch, smashing through the piles of colored leaves, and laughing as Chris threatened to perform all types of violence on his friend.

Joining his friends, JD stared in astonishment at the sight of his boss laughing. "Is he okay?" he asked, confusion coloring his voice.

"He will be," Buck answered happily. "Let's go watch the fun."

*****

Larabee thought he had his prey cornered in the barn, when Vin suddenly grabbed a rope and pulled himself to the hayloft, just ahead of Chris' snatching hand. 

"You're gettin' old, Cowboy," Vin called down from the loft.

Chris saw his friend's boots sticking over the edge of the loft and grabbed the nearest thing handy: a horseshoe hanging on the wall. Tossing it up, he managed to smack the sole of the left boot, disrupting the sharpshooter's balance. Vin flailed his arms in a vain attempt to maintain his equilibrium, before falling over the side into a pile of hay.

"You coulda killed me, Larabee!" he snapped angrily, plucking the hay from his hair.

Chris smiled as he held out a hand for his friend. "Nah, even if you'd fell on your head it's way too hard to hurt." He pulled Vin up and they walked out of the barn, side by side. "Thanks, I owe you one," Chris said softly.

Vin grinned in return. "I just wanted to cheer you up, is all."

"No, really, I owe you one," Chris assured his friend. "And here it is." He smirked as he pushed his best friend into the watering trough. "Happy Thanksgiving, Cowboy."


	17. The Day After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ATF Universe. Shopping can be fun...for some.

"Remind me again why we're here?"

"C'mon, Vin. You promised."

Vin Tanner nodded at his friend and again scanned the many lines. In truth, the only reason he was here was that he lost the rock/paper/scissors contest between he and the rest of his team. JD had tried to get someone to go with him shopping on the day after Thanksgiving, and no one had been gullible enough to go with him. Unfortunately, Dunne complained for the next month, lamenting, and retelling the men about how he and his mother used to go shopping every year, the stuff they would buy, and the deals they would get. Because none of the men wanted to go through that for the next year, it was decided that one of them would have to bite the bullet and brave the stores. So here Vin stood on December 26th in a Target store, surrounded by hundreds of insane people.

Arriving at the store at seven am, Vin was amazed at the amount of people willing to fight crowds in order to save a dollar, since Vin was the type of person willing to spend lots of money _not_ to have to deal with people. They grabbed a cart and followed the throng to the rear of the store where all the Christmas decorations and supplies were on sale for half-off.

JD was so excited, running around grabbing rolls of wrapping paper and ornaments of every shape and size, showing Vin what he found before scampering off in another direction. Vin protected the cart of "treasures" as he wandered over to the candy display. Finally! Something he could use: dark chocolate oranges, chocolate-covered marshmallow Santas, and chocolate-coated cherries. He grabbed a bunch of the treats and dumped them in the cart, before looking around for his friend.

Dragging JD away from the display of holiday lights took some doing, but they were finally headed to the checkouts. All the lines were about the same length—unbelievably long—so the two agents picked one at random to stand in.

After fifteen minutes, Vin was bored... very bored... _so very bored_. The line hadn't moved at all, and he was afraid that he would die here, end up haunting it, never to leave this store. JD stood next to him, smiling, and apparently not noticing the extent to which his cohort was suffering.

In front of the two men was an older lady, probably about sixy-five years old, protecting a shopping cart with a baby carrier mounted on the back. What caught Vin's attention was the fact that the carrier was empty. It struck him as funny, and normally he would remain quietly amused, but he was bored… very bored.

"Hey," he called in a stage whisper to JD.

"What?"

"Do ya think she knows she lost her baby?"

"What are you talking about?"

Vin pointed to the empty baby holder in front of them. "Maybe she put the kid down to get some extra wrapping paper and forgot to pick 'im back up?"

JD turned red as he noticed a few customers around them chuckling.

"You think we should tell her that her baby's gone?"

"I'm sure she just took a free cart, Vin. Knock it off."

Tanner was quiet for a few more minutes before he leaned over to his friend. "I'll give you five bucks if you get up on that platform right there and face the lines and say, 'I bet y'all are wondering why I've asked you here today'."

JD tried not to laugh, but he imagined doing just that and the reactions of the serious shoppers when he did it, and he couldn't help himself. Unfortunately, this just seemed to egg Vin on. They'd moved far enough ahead in line where he was in line with the candy and gum display.

"You need some Tic Tacs? They got white, green, and—my favorite—orange."

"No, thanks, Vin."

"Only one and a half calories."

"No."

"Gum? Trident, Wrigley's, Dentyne, Bubble Yum, Big Red, Juicy Fruit, Extra—"

"No, Vin," JD interrupted. "I'm good."

That didn't stop him. "Ooh, Altoids." Vin snagged the box and held it up as if he were in a commercial. "They're _curiously_ strong." JD shook his head negatively, so Vin put the package back.

JD eyed the line. One more lady in front of them, then he could check out.

"What's that mean?" Vin asked.

"What does _what_ mean?"

"Curiously strong."

"I have no idea." JD wondered how much longer this line was going to be and if he would keep from shooting his friend before he reached the check out.

"Makes ya wonder."

"No, it doesn't."

"You sure?"

"Yes."

JD sighed in relief, hoping that his friend's strange little tirade was over.

"Pssst."

Nope.

JD tried to ignore him.

"Pssst."

JD pretended to read _People_.

"Pssst."

JD started to wish he'd come alone. They'd reached the checkout and the young man began to place his purchases on the counter.

"Pssst."

"What do you want, Vin?"

"You doing this again next year?"

JD looked at his friend in suspicion. "Why?"

Vin stood there munching on his soon-to-be-bought candy. "Thought I might like to go again."

JD just shook his head. _Not in this lifetime!_


	18. Hide and Seek

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ATF Universe. A "day in the life" drabble.

An unusually quiet morning in the offices of Team Seven was interrupted by the tail end of a dispute.

JD Dunne stormed through the doors. "It's my place, too, Buck."

Buck Wilmington—his friend and roommate—trailed after, obviously rehashing his side of the argument. "I know it is, kid, but you gotta understand—"

"I understand perfectly… you have no respect for anyone else's belongings."

"You know better than that."

"Oh, do I?!"

Chris Larabee called from his doorway, "What is the problem?"

"Buck's latest girlfriend," JD reluctantly admitted. "She cleaned our place and now I can't find anything."


	19. What's Up, Doc?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ATF Universe. Vin is a low-down, no good, vicious criminal.

"Well, there was the time I ripped off a dwarf…"

Everyone at the table stilled and turned to stare at Vin Tanner.

"What did you say?" asked Nathan Jackson.

"I was just sayin' I could tell y'all 'bout the time I stole a dwarf."

"You mean you stole from a dwarf?" Josiah Sanchez asked in shock.

"Nope." Vin shook his head. "Stole the dwarf."

"You have certainly garnered our attention, Mr. Tanner," drawled Ezra Standish. "You have the floor."

The men of Team Seven had been sitting around a table at the Saloon, bullshitting about the various embarrassing exploits of their youth. The stories between Buck Wilmington and JD Dunne had continued to escalate until the tales became too tall even for the mustached rogue to reach.

Vin had sat, sipping his drink and exchanging amused glances with Chris Larabee when Chris had jerked his head as if to say, "Let's hear one from you."

"Go ahead and share your story, Brother Vin," Josiah rumbled, "we're all ears."

"Ain't no big thing," Vin stated, reluctant to continue now that he had their undivided attention. "I was stayin' with this one foster family for a while, in a quiet 'burb. Just around the corner from their house was this other house—gaudiest fuckin' place. The entire front was filled with every imaginable lawn ornament…including Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."

"I've seen houses like that," Jackson said. "It looks like a yard sale exploded."

"Them's the ones," Vin agreed. "My friend, Heath, and I passed that house every day on the way to school. We made fun of it all the time. One night we fixed on a mission…"

Everyone leaned forward.

"We decided to kidnap a dwarf."

Inez set the tray down with another round of drinks, startling the men. Everyone chuckled nervously and leaned back, recovering their aloofness. As soon as she left, Vin continued, and the men sat forward once again.

"Heath had a van, and I became the getaway driver. I can't 'member what time it was; I know it was dark, but I don't think it was all that late. I drove up next to the house with the lights off. Hell, we were so stoked, I started hummin' the theme song to _Mission Impossible_." Vin smiled as he reminisced. "Heath jumped outta the sliding door and ran across the yard. He picked up a dwarf, but then he ran back to the van empty-handed…I asked him why he didn't bring it back and he said it was heavy. I told him, 'I don't give a shit, just get one'."

"So forceful in your youth," Larabee drawled.

Vin gave a half-hearted wave of his middle finger. "Heath ran back and grabbed the one with glasses. He ran—all hunched over—back to the van. Just as he reached it, the neighbor from across the street came outta his house, yellin' at us."

"What did you do?" Nathan asked.

"Only thing I could. I slammed the van into drive and took off like a bat outta hell. Heath managed to get in before I took off, otherwise I mighta left 'im there. I'd already been in some trouble and didn't want to risk gettin' busted for somethin' as stupid as this. How embarrassing would that be…bein' sent to juvie for stealin' an elf?"

"Dwarf," JD corrected.

Buck slapped him on the back of the head and motioned for Vin to continue. Their friend had never spoken at length about anything and they were entranced by the fact Vin was telling it, as much as for the story itself.

"Anyways, we knew he couldn't've gotten the plate number, but Heath and me were still nervous as hell. We drove down two blocks and found a quiet side street. We slid the door open and I helped him roll the dwarf into a small ditch. He'd been right, it _was_ heavy; the damn thing was solid cement.

"We drove around for a bit. Ducked into a theater parking lot and was scared shitless when a cop car pulled in, too. As if stealing a lawn ornament would mean an immediate APB."

The table full of men rolled with laughter at the thought of a phalanx of officers called in for such a task. 

Vin waited until his comrades were under control. "We high-tailed it back to my place. Heath stayed there that night and I'll be damned if there weren't a knock on my door early the next mornin'. Luckily my foster folks was gone for the weekend, 'cause when I opened the door, there stood a cop."

"How'd they find you?" JD asked, saved from a slap this time because Buck had been about to ask that as well.

Vin smiled. "I wondered the same damn thing. It even flashed through my head that they found the dwarf and checked for fingerprints."

JD chuckled. 

"Before I had a chance to confess, the officer asked me if I knew whose van was parked on the street. Looking out, I saw he was pointin' at Heath's. I shook my head and said, 'Nope.' Still not sure if he believed me, but he nodded and made a note in his book. I asked him what the trouble was and he told me one of my neighbor's had been vandalized. The perpetrators had fled in a van—just like the one parked in front of my house.

"I tried to keep an innocent expression while he was tellin' me all this, and hoped Heath would stay asleep. He was always a shitty liar. Luck was with me, for once, and the cop left."

"He never came back?" Josiah asked.

Vin shook his head. "Apparently, dwarf vandalism wasn't a high priority in those days." He shrugged. "And damned if that house didn't have a replacement within a week. We was never sure if they found the one we stole, bought a new one, or just had a spare dwarf layin' around."

A round of laughter rippled through the group once more.

"Anyways, we were so embarrassed at our failed covert operation we swore not to tell anyone else. O' course that didn't stop us from raggin' on each other."

"Just a moment, Mr. Tanner." Standish's brow wrinkled in thought. "Now that I think upon it, I seem to recall a statuette upon your desk in a decidedly prominent place."

"Heath and me still stay in touch," Vin admitted. "Every once in a while I'll get a package in the mail containin' a Doc figurine. I do the same ta him. Keeps 'im grounded."

"Wait a minute." Larabee eyed his best friend suspiciously. "What's Heath's last name?"

Vin smirked as he answered, "Graham."

"The Lieutenant Governor?" JD asked in astonishment.

"The one and only."

Chris shook his head in mock despair. "And here I thought there was one politician with no skeletons in his closet."

"A dwarf-snatcher," Buck spouted. "They're the worst kind of desperado."

"Can't trust 'em," Jackson added.

"Goodness knows I would never want one on my team," Standish agreed.

"Not someone who would be vile enough to pick on one of God's defenseless creatures," Josiah intoned.

"Even I would never be that stupid," JD said.

Larabee stood. "I can't stand the sight of you, Tanner." The others followed suit and pushed up from the table. "We'll need a bit to get over this."

"Come on, guys," Vin called as the team walked out the door. "Like what I did was _so_ bad," he mumbled and sat down to finish his beer.

Inez walked up to the lone occupant of the corner table and placed the bar bill in front of him. "Chris said it was your turn to pay," she told him with a grin.

"Oh, he did, did he?" Vin pulled out his wallet and slapped the cash down. "When did he say this?"

The sexy barmaid shrugged. "Soon after you arrived. He mentioned something about a payback." She noticed Vin's irritated expression. "I hope I didn't do anything wrong."

"Oh, don't worry, Inez," Tanner soothed. "I'll get my friend Doc to help me out with a little payback of my own." Vin smiled at the notion. "He's always ready for a mission…"


End file.
